In His Time...

I knew it was Him... I knew it...

He touches me at every stage of my life... He touches my kids whenever he feels so necessary... I praise Him for the ups and downs that He journeys with me...

This is another touching day that I have experienced... Really, I've never felt so joyful leave CSS gathering. Like King David, I want to sing, I want to dance because He is in me and he is in all of us... I've shared this with many of my soul mates. I didn't expect at this point of time He is touching me with this much of joyfulness. He settles all my problems and doubts.... He answers my most fundamental worries....He presence is so much felt like I never felt it before...

He gives me strength to move on and inspiration  after inspirations... I love Him... Jesus Christ.

T.T...

今天有个学生传短讯约我吃饭。我回复他，说我煮了午餐，在用餐当中。。。T.T。。。

后来我突然觉得自己年轻多了，懂得用这种符号来和年轻人沟通。在沾沾自喜的当儿，我还告诉自己，应该多学几个，方能把我的年轻发挥到淋漓尽致。

我不是个文学家；更不是历史学家。但从我些许的认知当中，我知道，语文的发展是从符号开始的。渐渐的有了单字，才慢慢有了语文及文学。而这所谓的文学是经历了几百年甚至几千年的洗礼而成就的。

现今的科技时代，在短短的几十年研发了许多沟通方式而且继续的在开拓怎样能够用最精准、最生动及具有吸引力的方式来沟通。这种所谓新时代的沟通方式已经不是年轻人的专利；许多上了年纪的长者更是不断的在这方面不断的充实自己，务必要赶上时代的巨轮。而身为教育工作者的我们，这已经是一门必修的学问，以便可以更有效的跟学生沟通。为的是要利用这现代化的工具传达一些现代的知识及传统的价值观。

然而，如今社会的现象是，年轻一代的语文能力每况日下。从大学毕业到现在，我发现自己的语文能力越来越差了。我曾经去了一个学院应征讲师，做了一堂模拟教课，对方告诉我，我用的英文太深，学生无法掌握。因此，我在这些教学的岁月了，一直尽量用一些浅白的语文，尽量用学生的言语，好让他们可以更简单的吸收我想要传达的一切。我，错了吗？直到三年前，我报读了硕士课程，在班上听到教授用了许多专业的术语，我告诉自己。。。我回家了，这才是属于我的时间。。。

电脑的发明，让许多人习惯了用键盘来输入文字。现代人，已渐渐的丧失了书写的能力。说到书法的精致度，已经是天方夜谭。在加上惯性的运用图像及符号来沟通，现代人已逐渐的丧失了用语文来沟通的能力。在教育领域打滚了十来年的我，也发现学生用语文的表达能力已经是一年不如一年了。真的不敢想像，十年后，二十年后的学生是怎样的？

现在的语文，渐渐的用多媒体来将之取而代之。人类的沟通也越来越精准，渐渐的又回到了用图像和符号来沟通的世代了。人类的文明，是进步了；还是退化了。。。？！？！ 

你好吗？

生活本来就是一种奉献。。。

最近一直在问自己，是否要继续，是否值得，是否会有什么转机，是否。。。太多的是否。。。

很多人问我，最近好吗？我不能说很好。。。因为生活本来就是一样的过，只是多了一些挑战，多了一些问题，多了一些想不通的，少了一些人，少了一些时间，少了一些自由。。。又不能说不好，因为还是多了一些反省的果实，多了一些祝福，多了一些感动，又少了一些麻烦，少了一份担忧。。。

生命还是一样的挣扎，一样的盲；但还是一样的信靠，一样的交托。。。

每一天起来都觉得今天要为了使命而活，不管多么难，多么懒。。。这份使命一直都在，而且越来越清晰，也许也因为这样就越来越担心。

比起许多懵懵懂懂在过日子的人，听起来好像活得比较有意义。 但自己的极限不断的被挑战毕竟不是一个很好玩的事情。。。

感谢天主，这个主日听到胡神父的征道。 许多传教士的生活比起现在的自己要恐怖多了，但从他们身上，深深地感受到那份坚持。

至少现在不是没有资源，时间靠自己分配，祈祷靠自己加强。。。

这台弥撒给了我一个强心剂，带我从新确认目标，解释了挣扎的理由，更给了我加油的拥抱。。。来的正是时候。。。

天主对每个人的召叫总是那么的独一无二。天主给每个人的安慰总是那么的及时赶到。

快乐不快乐要靠生活去体验；平安不平安却得用生命来品尝。

Kindness???

Kindness sounds very abstract. What you perceive as kindness might not be the same to how others perceiving it.

You can be kind to others but how could you be sure that you are kind in an appropriate manner? Human being are very sensitive towards kindness. Sometimes your kindness can cause burden to others. Sometimes when you see people in troubles and you wanted to lend a helping hand, but you just didn't channel it to the need of that person. What he needed is just not what you are giving. Then, in this scenario you are adding on to the stress of the receipient on top of the problems that his is currently facing.

On the other hand, some people take kindness for granted. You will definitely have a bunch of people whom you name then friends who only come to you when they are in need of your kindness. And kindness is now traded for friendship.

In actual fact, kindness could be dealt with in a much simpler manner. My father used to tell me this... No one forces you to do it, if you are doing it, accept it whole heartedly... Don't complain! If it makes your life so difficult that you have so much to complain... Don't do it... Don't even promise...

Some one says... You can be kind, but don't be a kind fool... On the other side of the token... My friend shared with me that even if you are cheated by some one... But being kind is always within the scoop of your affordability... Why question?

I always feel that even if you have to trade your kindness for attention... Just do it... At the end of the day it is that relationship that you valued beyond that so called sacrifices... 

Kindness is very subjective. I am not Jesus Christ that he is giving love unconditionally with out any expectation in return.

My classmates said to me, expectation is bad but we just can't help it. I am just not perfect... But I pray to be kinder... 

Continue to stay kind because you never know some tiny little things that you do to others might lead to a great relieve to others.

This is all I'm left with...

Psalm 23 1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

2 He takes me to lush pastures, he leads me to refreshing water.

3 He restores my strength. He leads me down the right paths for the sake of his reputation.

4 Even when I must walk through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for you are with me; your rod and your staff reassure me.

5 You prepare a feast before me in plain sight of my enemies. You refresh my head with oil; my cup is completely full.

6 Surely your goodness and faithfulness will pursue me all my days, and I will live in the Lord 's house for the rest of my life.

Do you understand ??

It is always a struggle at the beginning of the semester for me to communicate with my students.

I am facing with different groups of students every semester, the challenges could always be that whether the same method used in the previous semester can be made applicable in this present semester.

I was just lucky that I so far do not have much problem in delivering information across to students. However, whenever it comes to the beginning of the subsequent semester, I would have to be extra allert on the reception level of the students. Just because that certain classes are more responsive due to a few of bright students in it doesn't mean all of then could catch what I say well.

Although I do have confident in what I'm doing, but attention an every aspects is continuos...The attitude and character of the students are as important as the understanding if the knowledge. 

Before they started to embark into this learning process, I must first of all draw their interest into the subject matter. Then, I must cultivate their learning skill side by side with the correct learning attitude. And then their answering method... Bla bla bla... Although the working hours might not be too long, but the concentration can never go off place.

This is life... I deal with humans...

How well are we??

After 6 years of being a shepherd to the Catholic Students in the TARC or rather TAR UC as what it is now, I received many affirmations from the students, parents, priests, church friends and leaders and most recently someone just told me that even in the Major Seminary in Penang that people are talking about us or rather... Me...

I've been working with the students closely, diligently and carefully these years and out of the blue, I'm sitting down tonight to wonder how good am I or how good are we?

Perhaps I only have missions without thinking of any harvest? Or more accurate than not... With the CSS that I received in hand 6 years back which was almost empty, I dare not even dream of any harvest. The problem that arise tonight is should I even think about hervest that to me sounded very circular.

Pausing here after 6 years, I really don't see that we are good. Of course we are getting better but are we too far from good? What is the measurement for good?

At the final sharing of our recent annual camp, I have miraculously not crying. Not that I don't feel anymore sentiment after seeing the growth of my kids, my mind just doesn't flash back those touching memories as it used to be. What is rotating in my mind at that time was what am I or rather what are we going to do next. With the overwhelming number of participants that we have, how are we going to bring them nearer to God?

As a foolish servant of The Lord ( I wish I'm still one) I need wisdom. I need prayer. I need more faith and confidence. 

The bigger this home away from home is ever growing, the smaller I became in my own vision.

My soul is shouting... HELP...!!!!

新兵日记

虽然距离去年的Annual Camp 只要一年，感觉上好像过了好久。。。

今年的CSS 开始很不一样了。。。少了很多senior，多了很多junior，男生比女生多，junior全部是男生，一个女生都没有，更不用说像以往那般每一届都会有一个pigeon hole爆满的大热美女；讲英文的多了，讲中文的少了。吵的多了；静的少了。我也老了。。。

这次的我特别有冲击。当孩子们跟我讨论说神父的讲座太深，我反而觉得还好。听得津津有味之余，我还想要更多。孩子们却都对我抗议说吃不消。

我突然反省了他们的信仰素质不比senior坚固，更反省了这今年来我喂了孩子们吃什么。灵修总是停在一个阶段没有进步。

我感觉到天主更深一步的招呼，招呼我划向深处。神父的讲座或许对他们而已太深了点，但它却点醒了我，是时候喂孩子们吃更坚固的养分了。毕竟现代复杂人生的挑战并非那种随随便便、不扎根的信仰可以抵挡的住的。信仰的新兵们必须被培育成猛将。

心中那一股从燃的热火犹如五年前在金马伦时的那般。

Yes... The flame is reignited...

孩子，累了就回家。。。

刚刚车上听到一首很感人的歌。不晓得歌名叫什么？谁唱的？只是依稀记得朗朗上口的副歌。。。“天冷你就回家。。。” 突然觉得很感动！

十多年前，姐姐要飞往找新加坡工作，临行的前一晚，爸爸告诉她：“到了那里，如果找不到工作，你就回家。。。”

渐渐的我们姐弟三人一个接一个的离开家，在外求学、工作，家里只剩下两老。许多人对父亲说，家里有这么多房间，可以租出去，赚些外快，反正房间空着也是空着。爸爸总会对他们说，那我孩子们回来，睡哪儿？

从小到大，父母一直很努力的训练我们独立。他们常常告诉我们，我们不会永远跟在他们身边。我们总有一天会离开家到外面去生活。父母的严厉教导甚至让我觉得有些无情。也因此训练了我们自己会去解决自己的问题的习惯。

直到有一回，我在吉隆坡找不到理想的工作时，哥哥劝我回家休息，过些时日再去找，总好过在外头终日徘徊，过的每一天都在花钱。我当时不知怎样向家人开口。我担心父亲的责备，怎么大学毕业要找一份工作有那么难吗？后来，我打了电话回家，告诉爸爸我找工作找得好累，想过了年再做打算。爸爸二话不说：“那就回来吧。。。”

从小就对爸爸充满着敬畏。出来社会工作后才知道他是我最大的后盾，我信心的来源，精神的支柱及前路的明灯。

谁不想回家舒舒服服的过日子？只是家里找不到我理想中的理想。在外的日子无论多累、多沮丧。。。我可以大步的向前冲。。。因为我知道，无论发生多大的事，我还可以回家。

如今爸妈退休了，他们还是对我们这么说：“在外工作的不顺利就回来，爸妈虽然养不起你们了，但至少我们一家人，有饭吃饭；有粥吃粥。。。”

Spiritual Warfare

Had a little lecture with my kids on this little topics that seems negligible but it is part of our daily life as Christain...

I would not say I'm an expert in this area... But this thing comes very obvious every time we are running our annual camp, every time when we are able to gather so many of our members and giving them spiritual input...

Worry about those kids of mine who are not aware of this and obviously they are being attracted in one way or another...

Remaining as a sinner myself... I'm praying for God's grace and mercy upon me and my kids that the precious blood of our Lord Jesus Christ is protecting us... Amen

My sixth CSS annual camp as an advisor

I understand very well that these are God's will...

As usual, challenges have not fail to make themselves to my door way... This year, new stuff have taken place... The most striking events are non other than the 2 injuries of Vincent and Ferris. Vincent was chased by dogs in the campus and he fall down and injured himself... Now walking like a cripple man. Ferris went back to Penang and met an accident where his injury is 4 to 5 times more severe than that of Vincent's.

I knew that the devil has never fail to knock on our door every year when the annual camp is around the corner. Surprisingly I am very calm this year and most of the stuff are left to the hands of the excos... My job is to continue to pray for them that the precious blood of Christ is covering on all of us... Yes, Lord. Here I am Lord. I knew these happened with your permission.

Thank God for the support of the seniors. Thanks to Jonathan that came by to pay us a visit and had a chat with me. Thanks to Jeremiah who stays with me that I have an avenue to air out anything that goes on in this entire journey of preparation. Thanks to Emily who were with me prior to all this... With that long chat at mamak. Thanks to Nicholas and Aaron for your companionship. God sent you all to me that I don't feel I'm alone. Thanks to the more active participation of Cecilia and some of the burden were shared away. Thanks to Kar Keng that is willing to listen to my sharing even he is away from Malaysia... Thanks to all my GL companions for the power of your prayer... Your presence are always hearty felt...

My kids are growing up... Someone asked me why am I not scolding as much this year... Well, perhaps I've grown older that I'm more ready to accept imperfections. Perhaps I've grown wiser through all these years of experiences that I'm able to back up more so to being not so anxious on problems... Perhaps some of them are too green to be scolded, they didn't have much experience and they had tried their best...

But one thing for sure... My physical condition is that that does not allow me to coop with so much of long hours working with them and I need better and more proper sleep compared to who I was before. I felt so sorry to them but I must face with the reality.

I always ask God and I ask myself... How many more years can I coop... The answer is obvious... Till the day God calls me to do something else.

Yes... New challenges are coming my way...

No prizes for guessing... Challenges will never stop to come my way...

At first I have a Ferris that was too optimistic over everything... It is really an effort to highlight to him that it is still a long way to go...

And then I was overwhelmed with the number of participants that we have... Can we handle all of them? Do we have enough freshies? Most senior couldn't make it this round... I somehow felt quite alone although I comprehend that we should put more emphasis on the new members and indeed we did... There are too many uncertainties going on in my mind...well, as usual...

I know nothing about the speaker ... How is he going to feed my sheeps ... I can only surrender...

And then I have a Rebecca that I sometimes don't really know how to calm her down when issues happen...

Sadly, Vincent was chased by dogs in the campus, fall down and injured himself... Thank God that Alex was with him...In feel so guilty to have my kids working things out at campus in the late night like this... But do I really have a choice...???

I have many other stuff to settle but I can't leave my kids struggling just like that...

Sometimes I really wonder, for how long more does God wanted to put me into this very position? It's been 6 years... But then when I think about it... It is all these years of being with them that I can take so many things at one time nowadays...

Sometimes too much of noises really boost up my frustrations but I have to admit that it does cheer up certain parties in the crowd... But where do we strike a balance???

What I can do is to continue to trust in the hand of The Lord... I can't survive without Him...

好久不见

就近的这一个假期没回家却在KL见了许多好久不见的老朋友。。。其中包括华庆，志鸿，Elaine，大姐，婉秋，召泓。。。很多个拥抱，很多个说不完！

还有很多人找我吃饭，有何师父，Panda，Thomas及 Ah Hock。。。

好像生命中不同阶段的朋友都一一出现。。。突然怀疑自己是不是即将死去？

Travel back home from Subang

I woke up at 6am at a hotel at Subang and when down for an awesome breakfast... I left the hotel at 7.45am and I painfully got myself out of Subang in a massive congestion and then rolling my wheel slowly at Federal Highway...

I could really drive through beginning from KLCC and got back to Setapak at 9.30am... And I was so exhausted...

I can't imagine myself if I have to start my day everyday in this manner... I really salute those students and colleagues who has to travel from far or even further everyday like that...

That got that I had my work place, study place and my church near by my residence... 

Come on... It's just a haircut...

It is always a habit since young that I always go to the same hairstylist. I always perceive that hair cut is something very personal and it is always not pleasant to have different people touching my head. Well, this is just me.

Because of this practice that I adopt,it is always a headache whenever there is a closure of the saloon or whenever my hairstylist is changing profession or location. And this normally happens every 3 to 5 years. And whenever this happens, I'll be like a lost sheep looking for a shepherd... I lost my way for I trust no one else.

No prizes for guessing, this happen again today. As I parked my car in front of the saloon... I saw renovation in the saloon. When I called my hairstylist, he told me that he is taking a break and not sure when is he going to resume in business but it will definitely be some where else...

Oh God... I almost burst into tears on the street... Then as I walked across the street... I simply closed my eyes and enters another saloon... Yes, I'm looking for another place to belong to...

After all these reflections, I realized that the source of the problem is my attitude and my refusal for changes. It has became a prison for me that I have to always bear in mind the off day of my hair stylist.

I told myself to let go... It is just a haircut and I will always have another one in another few weeks time. Life is complicated enough and why should I complicate it further with such a tiny little stuff? Yes... I want to free myself!!

Ng 

慌

受到这个消息。。。我不知这么回应。。。

有如往常一样，天南地北，交换了许多心事和秘密，但被打碎的这一块既然很快得被我不知道丢去哪里？

回到家里，我迟迟不进门，在屋外一直毫无目的在按电话。。。我在慌些什么？

那些破碎了的心情慢慢的跑了出来，我刹那间忘了刚刚的几小时我是怎样的坦然渡过。。。我需要一个拥抱和一个倾诉的对象。。。想了想，我凭什么？

在乎 vs 存在

有些人说，把你当成好朋友，不知这是件好事、还是坏事。。。

我的FB post 和 Instagram 常常有很多人来 like。。。坦白说，有一部份的人，我不太清楚他们是谁。。。但至少，在我很想要被关怀时，我突然会发现到，有一群（也许我没有真正在乎过的）人，一直在我周遭围绕。。。反之，一些我很在乎的人，从来没有给过任何反应。。。

到底谁比较重要？ 存在而不太被在乎的；还是在乎而不太存在的？

我可以的，只要我相信！

很多事情好像一顆从天而坠的大石头，一次过压下来，让人不知所措，不知要从哪里从新开始。不过，很肯定的一点就是人生将从一个刚刚调适过来的适应期，进入一个更凌乱、更有挑战性的适应期。

多方位的挑战多得让我想投降。。。不是不愿意前进，只是想放缓脚步。。。 眼前的时间及周遭人的要求，让这一切刹那间变成了奢侈。

有时在想，是否可以活的平凡些？但许多事，选择并不在自己手里。

唯一比较欣慰的是，这一切的一切都是准备自己去站好自己的岗位，去让自己成为更好的自己。。。

我可以的，只要我相信！

今天的弥撒超感动的。。。因为是要理主日，特地安排了主日学的小朋友们担任歌咏团。。。

那股儿音唱出来的歌曲，好清脆，好无邪。。。唱出跟天主的关系之间，不存有一丝杂念，每一个音符都让我热泪满眶。它带给我医治，告诉我人与天主之间根本没有那么复杂。谢谢咏涵的带领，她真的长大了。

感谢胡神父又再一次的为我们主祭今天的弥撒。。。每当有他，我们领圣体前的祷文都会用唱的；比起平时用念的，那股领圣体前的忏悔跟心中对天主圣体的渴望发挥的更是淋漓尽致。。。阿肋路亚！

It has been a long time since I first considered having a blog. Well, writing blogs seems so not my era. I used to say that people who are writing blogs are people who do not have close friends around. But then as I aged, I realised there are not as many people who wish to sit down and hear what is deep within me, or those that is willing to spend time to lend me an ear or a shoulder are either too busy or they are at a distance. I am painfully learning to find myself as my best friend. Yes, this was my initial thought.

Somehow, after some time, I came to realise that God is putting me at a station that I’m able to live along with many young people. Perhaps I should really enjoy what I have while I’m still having them around. I believe that God granted me with many wonderful and colourful life experiences that are worthy to be recorded and may be to be shared around. Of course, I still acknowledge that I’m a unique creation of God and He has a purpose for my existence.

People whom know me well should have known that my standard has not gone as far as I could comfortably activate a blog all by myself. I want to thank my eldest son Nicholas for all his effort that I could blog without any much headache.

Well, as I came back from a retreat last weekend, I felt recharged and regenerated emotionally, mentally, intellectually and spiritually. I strongly think feel that life ought to be a total refresh nowadays. All the best to me.

John 10:10 – I come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.