Buffet vs Roti Canai

Went to the Life in Spirit Seminar organized by a bunch of friends in my parish tonight. I don't know why. this time I felt the calling from God so much that not only I need to attend but my kids as well. It happened so well that our camp is postponed and we are able to take some times in the midst of the preparation. I knew... He planned all this... And from the past two weeks I felt that God has been preparing me for this slowly stage by stage. By chances, I got to reflect so much about my life especially in this past 7 years. It was not only memories and intellectual understanding but much more of an emotional and even to spiritual healing. Yes, it all started two weeks ago.

As I was praying tonight, He led me into a whole hearted community worship. He drew me back to those days where I will try my best to attend prayer meeting every week.

These few years, due to many reasons, from unpleasant feelings for the community, busy work schedule, concentration on my kids to laziness and weather... I have not really attended one. I did of course leading in many worship sessions but due to the fact that I'm also the pianist, I did not let go of myself completely into deep worship. Those that were conducted by my kids were either not as good (sorry to say), well most of them are just beginners... or most of the time I need to do observation in order to help them to improve. I used to think that I have prayed very well in it but after tonight I realized... I didn't. Of course, this is so far as the community prayer is concern where it has nothing to do with my solitude at my personal time.

Those days of living in the prayer meeting, when I look at it today... were overwhelming... They were like throwing a buffet feast every week where my spirit were filled to the fullest at all times. When I compare my involvements in this kind of community prayers, I suddenly felt a drop in the contact with the divine (of course it is only this part of prayer life that is concern). Of course consciously i knew and I kept convincing myself that this is just another experience (which is true) and I'm going to make a change sooner or later... Well,,, perhaps I did (slowly but surely)... But after the spiritual touch tonight I came to realized that I have been consuming roti canai for 7 years and slowly getting well settled with it... I didn't say it was bad but the urge for the spiritual touch was watered down. But the positice side of it was of course... My faith is sustainable without all this for 7 years and of course God touched me in many different ways...And I was able to see Him else where...

I didn't mean to say that I'm falling a part because of this... I just never knew I miss it so much... LSS of course is not the only way to the divine but it is definitely one of the good ways to spark me up and I forgot that I love it so much...

Forgive me Oh Lord...

這幾年常常， 幾乎天天， 時時刻刻都在問天主。。。 這樣對嗎？應該這樣做嗎？無論是在工作上，在侍奉上或是生活上，都在問。。。

身邊的人常常發出不同的聲音。有人會說， 你做得很好。。。 你很用心。。。 你這麽忙還能做這些。。。

也有人一直在說， 你只是拿一分薪水罷了。。。 你有必要這麽做嗎？。。。這地球沒有你還是一直的在轉動。。。 爲什麽不這樣做？ 這難道是最好的方法嗎？ 以你的能力就只是這樣嗎？

我受夠了。。。

你又不是我。。。 做得好，我自己會知道。。。不用你們稱讚我也知道是好的。。。 畢竟過的了別人不比過得了自己來得重要。。。 我做的事也常常爲了當事人而非旁觀者。。。

做的不好， 我也沒有辦法， 我只能說， 對不起， 讓大家失望了。。。 畢竟， 我也是普通得平凡， 我。。。 並不完美。。。 我很累， 為什麽做什麽事都很像要向很多人交代？ 也許是我想太多。。。 但是， 我可不可以謝絕一切建議，除非。。。 你是我。

我常常在該與不該中徘徊， 我並沒有你們想象中的利害， 更沒有你們想象中的堅強。。。 更荒唐的是， 你們凴什麽要我為你們而活， 凴什麽要限制我在你們設定的框框中掙扎。。。

Forgive me oh Lord... for I'm just a human being...

（以上言論純屬個人牢騷，無意指向任何人或任何一方， 請勿對號入座。）

Group Study

学生时代的我，和同学一起 group study 基本上分为几个模式。

辩论式

几个死党约好在一个地方 “讨论” 习题，由于各自有各自的见解，也因大家在长篇大论的课堂上吸收的不一样的部分… 后来演变成辩论… 不过没关系，我们彼此打开盲点，反正回家各做各的。

陪伴式

大家找了一个安静的地方… 自己读自己的，互相不打扰… 一呆可以一整天… 偶尔每两个小时小休半个小时谈谈天、喝杯咖啡提提神，一起吃个午餐… 遇到小问题可以切磋一下，大问题就得去找讲师… 提供的是一起奋斗的力量，压力太大时彼此加油…

互教式

事前把职务分配好，选择自己的强项，可以专攻一整个科目或是指定的题目，然后自行温习… 过后约在一起，把自己的笔记及心得与大家分享… 以己之长补他人之短… 

不管是以上的哪一个模式，强调的是个人的独立及大家的参与及给予… 绝不欢迎寄生虫…

但今天我看见我学生们的 group study 已经进化到另一种模式了… 当然以上三式仍然不断的被延续。而这种登峰造极的模式必须要有一个小老师，就是同学当中成绩最好的那位… 小老师将在一个地方开讲，那些害怕自己活不了的同学就会很踊跃的参与… 更夸张的还会找间空课室，方便桃李满天下的小老师写白板…

我对这个现象感到叹息… 当然，我必须承认，对于小老师来说是件好事，他可以温故知新… 那么其他人呢？他们平时都在做什么呢？不明白为何不找讲师呢？为什么会搞得要考试前才发现自己不知道在读些什么呢？为何不愿意花多一点时间靠自己去努力呢…不惭愧吗？……

还我河山

为了吃最新鲜的海鲜，我们在家吃完早餐就前往基鲁隆海边的河口等待渔船的归来。 其实车程也只不过五分钟。

这是一个新建的河口；我长这么大还是头一回来这里卖鱼。这个河口很有渔村的feel，就只是这一小块而已；其实，照片的背后是一个现代化的住宅区和几间蛮大的教堂。所以，这个河口在这里很明显的显得有些做作。

但话又说回来，我们这块土地一百年前是靠渔村起家的。后来因为天然煤气的采矿和提炼再加上重工业才慢慢朔造成今天这个规模。

走在甲板上，妈妈告诉我，她的祖父曾经拥有过自己的小码头；她小时候常常跟着他的祖父到码头去… 踏的就是怎样的甲板…

今天这一趟让我的心情即兴奋又复杂…… 我仿佛穿越在现代和历史之间，站在现代的场景，呼吸着甲板上复古的空气。儿时常常听到的往事，今天好像要在我面前准备一幕幕的上演…

Hello 2014

Had a chat with my students over the issue of count down over this new year. And I suddenly told them," So? Nothing has change right? Life goes on right? Do you feel better on the 1st of January?"

As I was on my way to the rally at Merdeka Square on the night of 31 December 2013, I saw many passerby dressing up cheerfully, getting themselves ready for count down, they all looked very excited... And I for several times, turned to my mates and say," I wonder why are they so happy? Aren't they worry about having nothing to eat in the next year?"

I used to be very optimistic about life and about living... But not any more...

2014 is a tough year for all Malaysian with the implementation of GST, increase in prices and many many more... Then, how would I be happy over the new year where I foresee all the challenges that come forth right on my door way?

God bless 2014 and... Enjoy your 2014!!! Happy New Year...